Day Twenty-two: Everyone plays an important role

In this world every person is unique. We all have our own skills and personalities. We each make mistakes and also excel in different fields. In order to make it a better place we all have to do our part. The problem is that some of us are more skilled than others and some people have shitty personalities. The ones with defective personalities I like to refer to as shit-heads. As you may imagine, I do not like them. They make more than their fair share of mistakes and the most obvious of these mistakes is not being stillborn. In conclusion, don't be a shit-head.

Day Twenty-one: Taking a Break

Today I took a day off from my busy schedule to celebrate a friend's birthday. We went to Earl's and had some food, drinks and fun. The price of fun there is pretty reasonable. Also, his mom was there, who I havn't seen since he was concieved. It was like a celebrity roast without the celebrity. We made fun of him and laughed till we couldn't breathe. Then I had to go to work so I gave him a present by handing him my bill on the way out. It's the gift I just keep giving.

Day Twenty: Blatant Demands Followed by Threats

I've given Meghan plenty of time now to add a link on her blog for me. And I've also posted subtle(blatant) reminders. Now is the time for action. It took me a while to think up suitable punishment for this oversight. The only thing I could think of that doesn't require me to find a place to put her cat is to stuff her in the freezer. Now Meghan is small, but even she won't fit into her small deep freeze as she is. So I think the best way is to snap her spine in half and fold her up like laundry and then stuff her in there. Every once in a while I can come by and chip off a chunk of her using a claw hammer, then microwave it and feed it to the cat. Eventually the cat will finish her off and I can claim that she fell in the bathtub or something and that the cat had to eat her to survive. Just a friendly reminder to ADD A LINK TO THIS SITE.

I could not post for several days due to problems with a rebel router. The uprising has been crushed and things continue on as usual. Thank you for your patience and understanding.
Sincerely,
your lord and master, Jack

Day Nineteen: Price Check in Aisle Twelve

Today I'd like to talk about something that is near and dear to me. Pricing. As the price of living goes up so does the price of everything else. When expenses like food and shelter increase, people demand a higher price as well. These days unless you have a lucrative job it's not feasible to provide necessities for another person or persons as well. Unless you can get a great bargain on essentials it's not economically viable to sustain a slave. Even if you purchase them from a third-world country the upkeep is just too great. Currently it is cheaper to rent your labor during the day and have them pay for their own food and shelter than it is to keep them in seclusion and feed them. If this trend continues all would-be slaves will have to provide for themselves, making their life much harder than it has to be. I say that we make these people free. Free so that everyone can afford to get several slaves and have them cannibalise each other for sustenance.

Day Eighteen: We're all made equal, but some a little more so

Making fun of people is great, but many targets are taboo. You can easily get away with insulting white heterosexual males(at least in Canada). If you decide to pick on a minority though, you are asking for trouble. This includes sexual preference(excluding those already mentioned), religion, race and to a lesser extent, gender. If you are at work and you make a gay joke you're lucky if they don't hang you. However, if you pretend(I'm not saying that I'm not gay, but I am thinking it loudly) that you are gay then you can get away with it because they're not allowed to ask you about your sexual orientation. When you make fun of a specific religion it's pretty hard to get away with it because nobody will make fun of their own religion(it's a sin or something). Racial jokes are the worst because people(unless they're blind) can easily tell if you are of a minority race or not. Also you will be labelled a bigot and people will scream for your blood(unless you live in a redneck town like Kamloops). Sexist jokes are fairly safe if you're smart enough to make sure there are no women within ear shot. I'm not sure if women are actually a minority or not, but often they don't have a sense of humor about it. One group is fair game for everyone. This type is known as stupid. The reason this is acceptable is that they are the largest majority of all people. Also they are not specific to any race, religion, gender or sexual orientation. They even hate each other because of their similarity. The only caution about commenting on their special trait is that you need to make sure that they are truly stupid and not just mentally handicapped.

Day Seventeen: Spring has Sprung

Technically it's not spring yet and there's even snow on the ground still, but it's been a while since it was really cold out. At 6am and 6pm the sky is lighter than the mountains. The time is approaching when you can enjoy the outdoors without freezing your ass off and getting snow in your shoes.
For those who really enjoy winter, I encourage you to start stuffing ice into your shoes and boots now so you can get your fill before it all melts. Don't even think about taking down your X-mass lights yet. And for that chestnuts roasting on an open fire feeling, make sure you pack a fistful of snow into your crotch.
If you're like me(in a small way) and you want to put winter to rest, grab your boots. Let's go find some sun and mud. Do something outdoors, get some exercise. Now, go out and breathe heavily on every snowbank you see until it melts completely. If you start getting dizzy, relax and take your time. I can wait.
In the meanwhile, this is completely unrelated, but funny shit.

Dilbert

Day Sixteen: Wah Wah Wah

Something I'm really good at is complaining. So here I go. People are morons. Some may disagree with this statement, but those people are just that. The proof is too overwhelming for me to remember all of it, let alone post it on a blog. So let me focus my complaining to a norrower scope. This week none of my team went to rock trivia, contrary to comments posted on this specific blog. Many would say that music trivia is not important and that they have many more critical things to do. While I believe these people take their lives a little bit too seriously I'll not argue the point. This does make me think though. Music trivia aside, think about how many times in one week you break an appointment because you didn't feel like doing something. Maybe you told someone that you would phone them and didn't. Or you could have scheduled two things at the same time and couldn't make it to both. Now, this is not quite the same as breaking a promise, but add up all these instances to see how dependable you are. Do people laugh derisively when you say you're going to do something? If your count is three or more, they probably are. If I can get back to complaining for a while. It's been over a month now and the link to Meghan's blog is only one way. Complaining is almost as fun as putting other people down, so look forward to more in the future.

Day Fifteen: So so good

OK, so now that we've covered how St. Valentine's Day sucks I would like to show you the one thing that completely redeems it.

Best Episode Ever

Day Fourteen: VD

People all over the world are catching the VD spirit. And by people, I mean women. I received a present this year, but I refuse to give in to corporate(and gender sponsored) pressure. Also since I am single this year there will be no great war or nuclear threats. Am I self centered? I don't think that was ever in question. Hopefully the next case of VD will pass with even less of a ripple in my otherwise streamlined and fantastic life. I can only hope that in time it will disappear completely and we can look past despair to a February 14th free from commercialism. Also, thanks to Nick's blog I've found another blog of golden insight.
In It but Not of It

Day Thirteen: Porn is not just for adults anymore

I found this picture from a coloring book on the Internet. Very disturbing in a hot kind of way. There's the money shot.

Day Twelve: The way I were

Lately I've been feeling down. Every day seems the same and I can't tell one week from the next. Stuck in a dead end job with no social life and no prospects. All I'm looking for is that special someone to...hahaha, holy fuck! There's enough Emo blogs out there already. My life is great! I'm working the shift I want and making OK money. I have plenty of spare time in the evenings now to do whatever I want. There's nobody around to coerce me to do things and not do others. Compare your lives to mine and then kill yourselves.

I love Jenny. She gets drunk at weddings. Photo's are developed... Hilarity ensues!

Day Eleven: The Old Switcheroo

No, it's not just a tool to lash and beat children with. This week the new rock trivia goers did not show up at all, with the exception of my lovers Troy and Dawn. Fortunately, I was not left defenseless. With no notice at all, the old crew showed up in force to save the day:
Jen - Hardly old enough to know any of the songs, but listens to enough top forty to make up for it.
Meghan - Swarthy, smarmy and surly, a black hearted pirate, watch yourself or you'll end up at the end of her rapier. No, not rapier wit...I said she's a fucking pirate! Morons.
Jenny - Like a twelve year old boy on meth and prozac(except that a twelve year old boy is stronger).
Lisa - She's a bad motha :shut your mouth: but I'm talkin bout Lisa :then I can dig it:.
Any of you with lingering thoughts concerning hate-sex can keep this in mind. If I wanted to have sex with twelve year old boys, I'd become a priest. Amen.

Day Ten: Sex and Then What?

What is disappointing about sex? The end. When you don't get laid, you're thinking about sex. When you might get laid, you're thinking about sex. When you're having sex you're thinking about sex. After you just had sex...it's over. You're not thinking about sex. Then what are you gonna think about? Political unrest? I don't fucking think so. I don't believe this applies to women, but I've never been one.

Day Nine: Mellizo

My good friend Pepe the Mule lives in Mexico. Pepe the Mule believes that narcotics in a condom is a suppository. One day Pepe the Mule will make his fortune. Way to go Pepe, way to go.

Day Eight: So I'm working in the graveyard

Mostly at work I talk to ignorant hillbillies, however tonight I think I found one with at least half a brain. It is Monday morning at 4:30am where he is and he was drunk, but this is the best I can hope for. After getting all of his shit fixed he told me a joke.
A boy is playing in the park and he has five candy bars. He starts eating one of them and immediately follows it with the other four. An old man in the park sees him gorging on candy and decides to say something about it. The old man approaches him and says, "It's not healthy to eat so many candy bars all at once."
The little boy answers, "My grandfather lived to be one hundred and five years old."
Then the old man asks the lad, "Did your grandfather eat five candy bars in a row?"
To which the little boy replies, "No, but he minded his own fucking business!"

Day Seven: Sieg Heil

People think that vegetarians eat only plants because they love animals. While this may be partly true, the real reason is that they hate plants. Nothing pleases them more than masticating a helpless plant between their jaws. They derive some sick and vile pleasure with every bite, knowing that another plant will not grow up to reproduce. Genocide is the flavor of their twisted hearts, on a scale so large that Hitler never even imagined.

Day Six: Moooo

Lately something strange has been on my mind, maybe something disturbing. I do not understand when a woman is called a cow as an insult. Granted, that cows are large and stupid, but they give milk and have four nipples! I mean, holy shit, take your pick. A woman however, has only two nipples and usually neither of them give milk. Imagine if you will, getting all excited thinking about those nice warm breasts, but when you put your lips to work on them...nothing, not even a drop. This is widely regarded as fool's gold, and I for one, am very disappointed.

Day Five: Coffee

Coffee is great.

Day Four: There's a stillness in the air

Another week has come and gone. Another page turned, milestone passed and all of that shit. Looking back on this week it occurs to me that nobody is reading my blogs. The only comment I've had was from a shameless shill trying to promote her own site. Still, it hasn't stopped me from continuing to post new material. To me this seems parallel to the ancient riddle about a tree falling in the forest when no one is around. I think we can safely conclude that it still makes noise.