Day Thirty-one: Great Void

It begins with a chill going up your spine, a shiver, growing into an earth shattering roar. It consumes everything, leaving only cold and darkness in its wake. You can feel the hunger growing as it approaches. Your senses stripped away, leaving only fear and impotence. Its proximity causes pain so excruciating that it fills your thoughts, blocking out even the instinct for escape. All hope is extinguished in its grasp. The All-Devourer, ever hungry and unstoppable, nothing avoids its mandibles.
I wonder what to have for lunch.

Day Thirty: Borat

I just saw this movie. It was horrible. I'll never get back the time I wasted on it. If you haven't seen it yet, don't.

Day Twenty-nine: Can't Wait to Get to the Beach

Many of you may have heard this before because it is my favorite, but for those who haven't, enjoy.
A man with no arms or legs is lying on the beach and there are three women playing volleyball next to him(the teams were not even). As the sun becomes low on the horizon the women pack up their stuff and begin to head back to their van. When the first woman walks past the man she notices him and stops. "You poor man. Have you ever been hugged?" she asks.
"No, I have not." he replies as he shakes his head sadly.
The woman hugs him and then loads their cooler into the van. The next woman is walking by and she also cannot help but notice the amputee so she looks at him with pity in her eyes. "Have you ever been kissed?" she asks him, and winks.
"No, I have not." he says, his face starting to brighten.
The second woman leans down and kisses him long and hard, then with the volleyball in her hand, she hops into the van. Finally the last woman is walking by after packing up the net and as she passes him she stops and turns back. With an alluring grin on her face she asks him, "Have you ever been fucked?"
She then starts up the van and looks back, waiting for his answer. A huge grin spreads across his face and he quickly blurts out, "No, I have not."
She winks at him and says, "Well, you're about to, the tide is coming in."
And then they drive away.

Day Twenty-eight: Green Day

Another green day has come and gone. It can easily be summed up by my picture, but with green beer instead of a golden lager. As far as I know I have no link to any Irish roots, but I'll celebrate them anyway for inventing whisky. I went out with some great people and met some great people. There was food, drinking and merry-making of all kinds. The Celtic music was kept to a minimum for which I am grateful. The night ended a little earlier than I had hoped, which is probably partly due to the cash machines going down around midnight(apparently across Canada). Also, one of my friends that is normally a total bitch was actually pleasant for half of the night. To quote an old adage, will wonders never cease?

Day Twenty-seven: The Devil Made Me Do It

Many superstitious people believe that using a camera to take someone's picture steals their soul. This is one hundred percent accurate. You can tell this from the red-eye effect. When a picture of someone turns out with red eyes and you know that person does not actually have red eyes, this is a result of their soul already having been stolen. Nothing is left in them but a hollow shell permeated by evil.
"What can be done about this?" you ask.
It's simple, you must collect the souls of others. Take pictures of everyone you can and if they turn up without red-eye you can use these souls to barter for your own. Keep them safe for you may need them sooner and more often than you think. Also watch for the red-eyed demons because they will try to steal your soul as theirs was taken and use them like some Yu-Gi-Oh trading cards. Put fire to them at the earliest possible time and do not let them speak. Pure evil they are, so watch your back and close your eyes every time you see a flash.

Day Twenty-six: It Really Makes You Think

The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me

And there you are,

sitting on your ass,

at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice

Day Twenty-five: Gumdrops and Lollypops

It's been a while since I posted on this blog. The router mentioned previously caused more trouble than I had anticipated, but I've now replaced it and put it to rest. The weather has been quite warm recently and in the spirit of things heating up I implore you to think about one person that you really hate. Don't just concentrate on your hatred though, contemplate the reason that you hate them. Now think about spring and what new activities you're going to do now that the snow is gone. Take a mental vacation to a fantasy world built by your imagination. Spring is here and you're doing all of your favorite things. There are daisies popping out of the ground. Now imagine the person you hate is pushing them up. Check your wallet. While you were daydreaming I took all of your money and that person has now become me. Have a nice year chump!

Day Twenty-four: Where is East India?

I'm getting sick of calling people from India, East Indians. As far as I know, no such place exists that is called East India. Now that we've finally stopped calling Natives Indians I think we can start calling Indians Indians. Although I'm sure this will confuse many people at first, we should move on from being politically correct to just being correct. Most likely this all started with that moron Christoforo Columbus. So, he was sailing to India and he found North America instead. What I can't figure out is whether this is because Columbus insisted that he had found India and nobody was willing to risk slavery to speak against him or if it's because they all thought he was an idiot and used the terms Indians and East Indians to slight him. Either way I think we can all agree that this is Columbus's fault and if he weren't dead already I'd punch him in the face.

Day Twenty-three: Number One Fan

Recently I was assisting a customer in finding the help that they need. Unfortunately, I could not offer the kind of professional help that they required. I offered to Transfer said customer to another department where they could be better assisted. The customer did not respond to this offer so I repeated it. When they still did not respond I asked them if they could hear me. They finally responded that I was smart. Now, I am not used to this type of compliment so the only suitable response I could come up with was, "thank you."
The customer repeated this compliment and I while my ego was inflating quickly I still couldn't come up with a more appropriate response, so I just repeated the previous acknowledgement. Then the customer said that they would tell everyone how smart I was. At this I was practically glowing with pride and so I replied, "thank you very much."
What a great day to help people, it gives me a warm feeling in my left ventricle.