Day Thirty-two: A Whole Day of Fun and Crafts

How to make a home-made swing: For this you will need a tree with a sturdy branch or other overhang suitable to suspend three hundred pounds from. You will also need a length of rope proportional to the height of the point that the swing will be suspended from. Also, a ladder will be required to be able to secure the rope to the branch.
Hold the rope in your left hand with the end of it in your right. Now, make a loop hanging down and next to it another going up, but leave about a foot of rope between the end of this loop and the end of the rope. Wrap the remaining foot of rope around the point where the two loops meet and then through the loop pointing up. Keep the top loop tight against the rest of the rope and begin wrapping the end around both. Working upward, each wrap around should be parallel to the previous one. When there is only a couple of inches left on the end push it through the top loop and pull it tight.
Now that you have a sturdy loop throw it over the branch so that the knot is hanging about eight feet off the ground. You don't want to touch the ground while you are swinging. Go up the ladder and loop the rope once again around the branch then push the end of the rope down between the branch and the section of rope separating the two loops. Cross the end over the rope of the last loop and around the branch again. Then, once again push it down between the branch and the section between this loop and the last one. Pull the rope tight.
After you have completed these simple steps pull the loop up and slide it over your head. Snug the loop around your neck and then swing from the top of the ladder. You'll be swinging from the tree all afternoon. It's fun for the whole family.




It is that simple. It truly fucking is.

Day Thirty-one: Great Void

It begins with a chill going up your spine, a shiver, growing into an earth shattering roar. It consumes everything, leaving only cold and darkness in its wake. You can feel the hunger growing as it approaches. Your senses stripped away, leaving only fear and impotence. Its proximity causes pain so excruciating that it fills your thoughts, blocking out even the instinct for escape. All hope is extinguished in its grasp. The All-Devourer, ever hungry and unstoppable, nothing avoids its mandibles.
I wonder what to have for lunch.

Day Thirty: Borat

I just saw this movie. It was horrible. I'll never get back the time I wasted on it. If you haven't seen it yet, don't.

Day Twenty-nine: Can't Wait to Get to the Beach

Many of you may have heard this before because it is my favorite, but for those who haven't, enjoy.
A man with no arms or legs is lying on the beach and there are three women playing volleyball next to him(the teams were not even). As the sun becomes low on the horizon the women pack up their stuff and begin to head back to their van. When the first woman walks past the man she notices him and stops. "You poor man. Have you ever been hugged?" she asks.
"No, I have not." he replies as he shakes his head sadly.
The woman hugs him and then loads their cooler into the van. The next woman is walking by and she also cannot help but notice the amputee so she looks at him with pity in her eyes. "Have you ever been kissed?" she asks him, and winks.
"No, I have not." he says, his face starting to brighten.
The second woman leans down and kisses him long and hard, then with the volleyball in her hand, she hops into the van. Finally the last woman is walking by after packing up the net and as she passes him she stops and turns back. With an alluring grin on her face she asks him, "Have you ever been fucked?"
She then starts up the van and looks back, waiting for his answer. A huge grin spreads across his face and he quickly blurts out, "No, I have not."
She winks at him and says, "Well, you're about to, the tide is coming in."
And then they drive away.

Day Twenty-eight: Green Day

Another green day has come and gone. It can easily be summed up by my picture, but with green beer instead of a golden lager. As far as I know I have no link to any Irish roots, but I'll celebrate them anyway for inventing whisky. I went out with some great people and met some great people. There was food, drinking and merry-making of all kinds. The Celtic music was kept to a minimum for which I am grateful. The night ended a little earlier than I had hoped, which is probably partly due to the cash machines going down around midnight(apparently across Canada). Also, one of my friends that is normally a total bitch was actually pleasant for half of the night. To quote an old adage, will wonders never cease?

Day Twenty-seven: The Devil Made Me Do It

Many superstitious people believe that using a camera to take someone's picture steals their soul. This is one hundred percent accurate. You can tell this from the red-eye effect. When a picture of someone turns out with red eyes and you know that person does not actually have red eyes, this is a result of their soul already having been stolen. Nothing is left in them but a hollow shell permeated by evil.
"What can be done about this?" you ask.
It's simple, you must collect the souls of others. Take pictures of everyone you can and if they turn up without red-eye you can use these souls to barter for your own. Keep them safe for you may need them sooner and more often than you think. Also watch for the red-eyed demons because they will try to steal your soul as theirs was taken and use them like some Yu-Gi-Oh trading cards. Put fire to them at the earliest possible time and do not let them speak. Pure evil they are, so watch your back and close your eyes every time you see a flash.

Day Twenty-six: It Really Makes You Think

The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me

And there you are,

sitting on your ass,

at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice

Day Twenty-five: Gumdrops and Lollypops

It's been a while since I posted on this blog. The router mentioned previously caused more trouble than I had anticipated, but I've now replaced it and put it to rest. The weather has been quite warm recently and in the spirit of things heating up I implore you to think about one person that you really hate. Don't just concentrate on your hatred though, contemplate the reason that you hate them. Now think about spring and what new activities you're going to do now that the snow is gone. Take a mental vacation to a fantasy world built by your imagination. Spring is here and you're doing all of your favorite things. There are daisies popping out of the ground. Now imagine the person you hate is pushing them up. Check your wallet. While you were daydreaming I took all of your money and that person has now become me. Have a nice year chump!

Day Twenty-four: Where is East India?

I'm getting sick of calling people from India, East Indians. As far as I know, no such place exists that is called East India. Now that we've finally stopped calling Natives Indians I think we can start calling Indians Indians. Although I'm sure this will confuse many people at first, we should move on from being politically correct to just being correct. Most likely this all started with that moron Christoforo Columbus. So, he was sailing to India and he found North America instead. What I can't figure out is whether this is because Columbus insisted that he had found India and nobody was willing to risk slavery to speak against him or if it's because they all thought he was an idiot and used the terms Indians and East Indians to slight him. Either way I think we can all agree that this is Columbus's fault and if he weren't dead already I'd punch him in the face.

Day Twenty-three: Number One Fan

Recently I was assisting a customer in finding the help that they need. Unfortunately, I could not offer the kind of professional help that they required. I offered to Transfer said customer to another department where they could be better assisted. The customer did not respond to this offer so I repeated it. When they still did not respond I asked them if they could hear me. They finally responded that I was smart. Now, I am not used to this type of compliment so the only suitable response I could come up with was, "thank you."
The customer repeated this compliment and I while my ego was inflating quickly I still couldn't come up with a more appropriate response, so I just repeated the previous acknowledgement. Then the customer said that they would tell everyone how smart I was. At this I was practically glowing with pride and so I replied, "thank you very much."
What a great day to help people, it gives me a warm feeling in my left ventricle.

Day Twenty-two: Everyone plays an important role

In this world every person is unique. We all have our own skills and personalities. We each make mistakes and also excel in different fields. In order to make it a better place we all have to do our part. The problem is that some of us are more skilled than others and some people have shitty personalities. The ones with defective personalities I like to refer to as shit-heads. As you may imagine, I do not like them. They make more than their fair share of mistakes and the most obvious of these mistakes is not being stillborn. In conclusion, don't be a shit-head.

Day Twenty-one: Taking a Break

Today I took a day off from my busy schedule to celebrate a friend's birthday. We went to Earl's and had some food, drinks and fun. The price of fun there is pretty reasonable. Also, his mom was there, who I havn't seen since he was concieved. It was like a celebrity roast without the celebrity. We made fun of him and laughed till we couldn't breathe. Then I had to go to work so I gave him a present by handing him my bill on the way out. It's the gift I just keep giving.

Day Twenty: Blatant Demands Followed by Threats

I've given Meghan plenty of time now to add a link on her blog for me. And I've also posted subtle(blatant) reminders. Now is the time for action. It took me a while to think up suitable punishment for this oversight. The only thing I could think of that doesn't require me to find a place to put her cat is to stuff her in the freezer. Now Meghan is small, but even she won't fit into her small deep freeze as she is. So I think the best way is to snap her spine in half and fold her up like laundry and then stuff her in there. Every once in a while I can come by and chip off a chunk of her using a claw hammer, then microwave it and feed it to the cat. Eventually the cat will finish her off and I can claim that she fell in the bathtub or something and that the cat had to eat her to survive. Just a friendly reminder to ADD A LINK TO THIS SITE.

I could not post for several days due to problems with a rebel router. The uprising has been crushed and things continue on as usual. Thank you for your patience and understanding.
Sincerely,
your lord and master, Jack

Day Nineteen: Price Check in Aisle Twelve

Today I'd like to talk about something that is near and dear to me. Pricing. As the price of living goes up so does the price of everything else. When expenses like food and shelter increase, people demand a higher price as well. These days unless you have a lucrative job it's not feasible to provide necessities for another person or persons as well. Unless you can get a great bargain on essentials it's not economically viable to sustain a slave. Even if you purchase them from a third-world country the upkeep is just too great. Currently it is cheaper to rent your labor during the day and have them pay for their own food and shelter than it is to keep them in seclusion and feed them. If this trend continues all would-be slaves will have to provide for themselves, making their life much harder than it has to be. I say that we make these people free. Free so that everyone can afford to get several slaves and have them cannibalise each other for sustenance.

Day Eighteen: We're all made equal, but some a little more so

Making fun of people is great, but many targets are taboo. You can easily get away with insulting white heterosexual males(at least in Canada). If you decide to pick on a minority though, you are asking for trouble. This includes sexual preference(excluding those already mentioned), religion, race and to a lesser extent, gender. If you are at work and you make a gay joke you're lucky if they don't hang you. However, if you pretend(I'm not saying that I'm not gay, but I am thinking it loudly) that you are gay then you can get away with it because they're not allowed to ask you about your sexual orientation. When you make fun of a specific religion it's pretty hard to get away with it because nobody will make fun of their own religion(it's a sin or something). Racial jokes are the worst because people(unless they're blind) can easily tell if you are of a minority race or not. Also you will be labelled a bigot and people will scream for your blood(unless you live in a redneck town like Kamloops). Sexist jokes are fairly safe if you're smart enough to make sure there are no women within ear shot. I'm not sure if women are actually a minority or not, but often they don't have a sense of humor about it. One group is fair game for everyone. This type is known as stupid. The reason this is acceptable is that they are the largest majority of all people. Also they are not specific to any race, religion, gender or sexual orientation. They even hate each other because of their similarity. The only caution about commenting on their special trait is that you need to make sure that they are truly stupid and not just mentally handicapped.

Day Seventeen: Spring has Sprung

Technically it's not spring yet and there's even snow on the ground still, but it's been a while since it was really cold out. At 6am and 6pm the sky is lighter than the mountains. The time is approaching when you can enjoy the outdoors without freezing your ass off and getting snow in your shoes.
For those who really enjoy winter, I encourage you to start stuffing ice into your shoes and boots now so you can get your fill before it all melts. Don't even think about taking down your X-mass lights yet. And for that chestnuts roasting on an open fire feeling, make sure you pack a fistful of snow into your crotch.
If you're like me(in a small way) and you want to put winter to rest, grab your boots. Let's go find some sun and mud. Do something outdoors, get some exercise. Now, go out and breathe heavily on every snowbank you see until it melts completely. If you start getting dizzy, relax and take your time. I can wait.
In the meanwhile, this is completely unrelated, but funny shit.

Dilbert

Day Sixteen: Wah Wah Wah

Something I'm really good at is complaining. So here I go. People are morons. Some may disagree with this statement, but those people are just that. The proof is too overwhelming for me to remember all of it, let alone post it on a blog. So let me focus my complaining to a norrower scope. This week none of my team went to rock trivia, contrary to comments posted on this specific blog. Many would say that music trivia is not important and that they have many more critical things to do. While I believe these people take their lives a little bit too seriously I'll not argue the point. This does make me think though. Music trivia aside, think about how many times in one week you break an appointment because you didn't feel like doing something. Maybe you told someone that you would phone them and didn't. Or you could have scheduled two things at the same time and couldn't make it to both. Now, this is not quite the same as breaking a promise, but add up all these instances to see how dependable you are. Do people laugh derisively when you say you're going to do something? If your count is three or more, they probably are. If I can get back to complaining for a while. It's been over a month now and the link to Meghan's blog is only one way. Complaining is almost as fun as putting other people down, so look forward to more in the future.

Day Fifteen: So so good

OK, so now that we've covered how St. Valentine's Day sucks I would like to show you the one thing that completely redeems it.

Best Episode Ever

Day Fourteen: VD

People all over the world are catching the VD spirit. And by people, I mean women. I received a present this year, but I refuse to give in to corporate(and gender sponsored) pressure. Also since I am single this year there will be no great war or nuclear threats. Am I self centered? I don't think that was ever in question. Hopefully the next case of VD will pass with even less of a ripple in my otherwise streamlined and fantastic life. I can only hope that in time it will disappear completely and we can look past despair to a February 14th free from commercialism. Also, thanks to Nick's blog I've found another blog of golden insight.
In It but Not of It

Day Thirteen: Porn is not just for adults anymore

I found this picture from a coloring book on the Internet. Very disturbing in a hot kind of way. There's the money shot.

Day Twelve: The way I were

Lately I've been feeling down. Every day seems the same and I can't tell one week from the next. Stuck in a dead end job with no social life and no prospects. All I'm looking for is that special someone to...hahaha, holy fuck! There's enough Emo blogs out there already. My life is great! I'm working the shift I want and making OK money. I have plenty of spare time in the evenings now to do whatever I want. There's nobody around to coerce me to do things and not do others. Compare your lives to mine and then kill yourselves.

I love Jenny. She gets drunk at weddings. Photo's are developed... Hilarity ensues!

Day Eleven: The Old Switcheroo

No, it's not just a tool to lash and beat children with. This week the new rock trivia goers did not show up at all, with the exception of my lovers Troy and Dawn. Fortunately, I was not left defenseless. With no notice at all, the old crew showed up in force to save the day:
Jen - Hardly old enough to know any of the songs, but listens to enough top forty to make up for it.
Meghan - Swarthy, smarmy and surly, a black hearted pirate, watch yourself or you'll end up at the end of her rapier. No, not rapier wit...I said she's a fucking pirate! Morons.
Jenny - Like a twelve year old boy on meth and prozac(except that a twelve year old boy is stronger).
Lisa - She's a bad motha :shut your mouth: but I'm talkin bout Lisa :then I can dig it:.
Any of you with lingering thoughts concerning hate-sex can keep this in mind. If I wanted to have sex with twelve year old boys, I'd become a priest. Amen.

Day Ten: Sex and Then What?

What is disappointing about sex? The end. When you don't get laid, you're thinking about sex. When you might get laid, you're thinking about sex. When you're having sex you're thinking about sex. After you just had sex...it's over. You're not thinking about sex. Then what are you gonna think about? Political unrest? I don't fucking think so. I don't believe this applies to women, but I've never been one.

Day Nine: Mellizo

My good friend Pepe the Mule lives in Mexico. Pepe the Mule believes that narcotics in a condom is a suppository. One day Pepe the Mule will make his fortune. Way to go Pepe, way to go.

Day Eight: So I'm working in the graveyard

Mostly at work I talk to ignorant hillbillies, however tonight I think I found one with at least half a brain. It is Monday morning at 4:30am where he is and he was drunk, but this is the best I can hope for. After getting all of his shit fixed he told me a joke.
A boy is playing in the park and he has five candy bars. He starts eating one of them and immediately follows it with the other four. An old man in the park sees him gorging on candy and decides to say something about it. The old man approaches him and says, "It's not healthy to eat so many candy bars all at once."
The little boy answers, "My grandfather lived to be one hundred and five years old."
Then the old man asks the lad, "Did your grandfather eat five candy bars in a row?"
To which the little boy replies, "No, but he minded his own fucking business!"

Day Seven: Sieg Heil

People think that vegetarians eat only plants because they love animals. While this may be partly true, the real reason is that they hate plants. Nothing pleases them more than masticating a helpless plant between their jaws. They derive some sick and vile pleasure with every bite, knowing that another plant will not grow up to reproduce. Genocide is the flavor of their twisted hearts, on a scale so large that Hitler never even imagined.

Day Six: Moooo

Lately something strange has been on my mind, maybe something disturbing. I do not understand when a woman is called a cow as an insult. Granted, that cows are large and stupid, but they give milk and have four nipples! I mean, holy shit, take your pick. A woman however, has only two nipples and usually neither of them give milk. Imagine if you will, getting all excited thinking about those nice warm breasts, but when you put your lips to work on them...nothing, not even a drop. This is widely regarded as fool's gold, and I for one, am very disappointed.

Day Five: Coffee

Coffee is great.

Day Four: There's a stillness in the air

Another week has come and gone. Another page turned, milestone passed and all of that shit. Looking back on this week it occurs to me that nobody is reading my blogs. The only comment I've had was from a shameless shill trying to promote her own site. Still, it hasn't stopped me from continuing to post new material. To me this seems parallel to the ancient riddle about a tree falling in the forest when no one is around. I think we can safely conclude that it still makes noise.