I pretty much gave up on blogging, but since I'm unemployed I thought this would be a good way to spend a few minutes. Also this is just too funny not to share. As the title says, this is a story I heard the other day.
Ever hear of this guy? He slept for a hundred years or something like that(depending on who's telling the story). Well, it's been at least that long since I made a post on my blog. While I sit here sipping my terrible convenience store coffee it occurred to me that I should make up for lost time. So, here are a few nuggets of wisdom for anyone who needs them. The first thing is, do not leave popcorn in the microwave unattended. It usually says on the package to put it in for five minutes, this is rarely; if ever, the case. The second item of business is for you current or would-be lovers. For the men, women rarely mean what they say, don't trust their words, listen to their body language. In contrast, for the women, men usually mean what they say, listen to their words, ignore their body language. Lastly, when driving, use your signal lights. Hopefully I'll have more entertaining material in the future(I will kill you if you don't signal).
It's been a long time since I made any new posts here. This is mostly due to my terribly short memory, but recently I saw something that I just couldn't forget.
Throughout my entire life I've only been angry a few times. I'm easy going and nothing seems to really bother me. Once in a while I'll get annoyed or frustrated, but quickly blow it off with a negative joke. This year however I seem to be getting angry more often and more easily. I assume everyone is lying to try to dissuade my anger, which only drives me to heightened levels of rage. Usually after a little while I can still let it go and move right past it. When I really think about it I find residual bitterness, which is beginning to accumulate. Maybe the reason is that I haven't had sex in a ridiculously long time or that only hideous beasts seem to be interested in me. I don't know, I'm not as omnipotent as I like to pretend. All I do know is that stagnation breeds change...eventually. Whether it be a butterfly emerging from a chrysalid or hay that spontaneously combusts, only time will tell.
In the last week I've been to the "nudie bar" more often than any other week since I left Calgary.
I always find it rather awkward sitting in the front row. Normally you're not supposed to stare at people, but if you don't stare at a stripper is it considered rude? Would they be insulted if your eyes wander around the room? Do they feel unattractive when they're not the center of attention? Should your eyes be level with their face or boobs, ass, etc. I think these guidelines should be posted on the wall somewhere or maybe at the entrance. Maybe I should just spend more time there until it feels like home.
I recently read the phrase, "If you love someone set them free."
Very profound. It sparks the imagination of a philosopher like myself. There are many ways to build upon this idea. For instance, if they come back they get what they deserve. If they don't, just wait until they tire themselves out and then hog tie them and throw them in the back of a truck. Maybe they're already dead which is why they're being set free in the first place. If so I recommend an unmarked grave in a low traffic area away from any running water. You don't want them washing up during a flood. It may not be legal, but it's just a good idea.
When people think of courage they usually associate it with firefighters, the military and sometimes police. What about transients? They go to sleep every night not knowing if they will wake up. They eat miscellaneous food bits out of the garbage. Is there botulism on that? Only they have the courage to take that chance. How about prostitutes? They take risks of getting all kinds of life threatening diseases just to put a smile on the face of a few lonely people. Even if they practice safe sex they never know when they get in the vehicle if they will spend the next while floating down the river or rotting underneath some bushes. These are all good examples, but when I think of courage I always remember the guy standing in line at a busy Dairy Queen on the day of charity for the Children's Miracle Hospital and when the cashier asks him if he wants to donate a dollar to charity he says, "no, thanks".
Lately I've noticed that most women are cold most of the time. Maybe this is due to their icy hearts or generally sub-zero nether region. For a while I have pondered this issue, with no resolve. Recently I had a stroke of genius(not uncommon). Around town you can see homeless people all wrapped up in toques and scarfs even on the hottest of days. This made me realize that women and hobos are basically the same thing. You may be wondering what the reasoning behind this theory is, but I don't think you're ready to hear it.
It's the pirate's life for me. Pirating software and movies is both fantastic and rewarding. I'm sure you've seen those clips at the beginning of a movie that tell you how pirating hurts multi-billion dollar companies. It always brings a tear to my eye.
I don't have the money to pay for these things, but If I like something that I've stolen I will recommend it to someone who might pay for it. That is the best kind of advertisement there is. To be fair, the companies should be paying me for this service. The people who really hurt these companies are the ones who make shitty copies of said stolen product. I'm not about to recommend someone a movie that had shitty sound quality or a fuzzy picture. If it's not an English version it had better have English subtitles.
When it comes right down to it the companies are really at fault. If they didn't make it so hard to copy the movies then there would be better quality and I would recommend them more highly.
In North America we sit in our comfy chairs, for the most part well fed. Even the homeless eat better than this guy. We rarely even think about things like this and do nothing about it. Nobody is around to help him get nourishment. It really turns my stomach. If he could only make it a few more feet.
It's been a long time since I made a post here. Far too long even. I've been busy, which is really no excuse, but I've also run out of crazy ideas. Every once in a while life throws you a bone though and it is just too tasty to pass up.
There is an episode on The Simpsons called "The New Kid on the Block". In this episode Homer goes to an all-you-can-eat fish restaurant and he eats until they kick him out. Homer then tries to sue the restaurant because he did not get all he could eat. If you need more information about the episode, the hyperlink above will take you to the transcript. This is just ridiculous hilarity right? Made up to cause laughter among the many, many Simpsons fans. There is no basis on reality here...WRONG! Dead wrong.
Someone that I have been working with has gone to an all-you-can-eat ribs restaurant and been kicked out for eating too much. I'll give you one guess as to what he did after that. Oh yes, he tried to sue the restaurant because he did not get all he could eat. The reason that they gave was that they thought he would have a heart attack. From the condition he is in, I'm surprised he hasn't already.
It seems that The Simpsons is a lot closer to reality than some people think and "within reason" should be attached to every all-you-can-eat sign.
At a restaurant you can get free pop refills, but what if you are still hungry? They will charge you more if you order food even though you're already paying for food. This is obviously a ridiculous scam designed to rip you off. I say dump your drink on the floor and cram the last bit of your food into the glass. Then, when the server comes by tell them you would like a refill. This way you can eat your fill without emptying your wallet.
Have you ever been in a rut that doesn't seem to end and it has been so long that you can barely remember the beginning? Well, the good thing about a rut is that they always have an end. For the last four and a half years I've been doing the same thing in the same place and very little has changed. It hasn't been a total waste, I've learned plenty over that time and met quite a few people that I respect. Now is the time to move on to greener pastures. It's time to get away from the security net of slow torture and make a grab for the trapeze of freedom. For those of you that haven't figured it out by now I'm talking about starting a new job. There's an E-mail link on my profile for anyone who needs it. Oh....SNAP!
This Thursday, similar to most, I could not find anyone who was willing to go out. I ended up taking a nap in the evening, which is something that I rarely do. After an entire day of sitting around the house doing little worth mentioning(things worth mentioning are not related to this topic), I had to go out. It was partly because I wasn't interested in the food I had at home and partly because I was bored out of my tree. I didn't want to go to a restaurant by myself so I headed to subway for a quick sandwich. Then, with the book I am currently re-reading I headed over to Starbucks to get some coffee and take in a few chapters. Now, this is where things get mildly interesting. After getting a second cup of coffee I proceeded to somehow spill it on the counter at which I was sitting. The coffee poured all over my pants, into my shoes and soaked my book. It took about a millisecond to register in my brain at which point I stood up, swore under my breath and began to assess the damage. The front of my pants were saturated, as were my shoes. The pages open in my book were stained tan and many other pages were beginning to swell up. I heard one of the chatty hens behind me say, "I could never get away with that."
Then I got some napkins, cleaned up the counter and my book as best I could and informed the staff of the spill. They offered to give me another coffee, but I declined and decided to go home and change my pants.
Sadly this is the most stimulating Thursday that I can remember.
One sunny afternoon a small boy goes fishing with his grandfather. They push the boat out into the small lake. The only disturbance is the slight ripple of their wake on the glass-like surface of the water. Everything is calm and peaceful.
When they reach the middle of the lake the boy's grandfather opens up his tackle box and prepares the line to cast. He casts far out from the boat and slowly reels it in. They sit in silence while the old man casts again and again. The boy grows restless and begins to fidget in the boat, rocking it slightly. His grandfather says, "don't rock the boat, just stay still so you won't scare away the fish."
"I'm bored," the boy replies, "can I cast the line?"
His grandfather thinks for a moment, "can your dick touch your ass?" he asks his grandson.
"Of course not." the boy says.
"Then no, you cannot cast the line." his grandfather answers.
The boy sits while his grandfather fishes, growing more and more impatient. After an hour without a single fish biting the old man decides to give up and pulls a beer from the cooler under his seat. "Can I have a beer?" his grandson asks.
Remembering how easily he deterred the boy earlier the old man says, "can your dick touch your ass?"
"No." the boy replies.
His grandfather takes a long pull from the beer and smiles to himself thinking how easy it is to manipulate a child. When he finishes half the beer he pulls a cigar out of his front pocket and lights it. "Can I smoke a cigar?" his grandson asks.
"Can your dick touch your ass?" the old man replies.
The boy sits in silence, frustrated that he didn't get to do anything the entire afternoon. His grandfather says, "but you can row us back while I smoke this one and finish my beer."
When they get back to the dock the boy grabs his bag from the boat and starts rummaging through it. He pulls out a bag of cookies and begins to eat them. His grandfather can smell that they are oatmeal raisin cookies, his favorite kind. "Can I have a cookie?" he asks his grandson.
"Can your dick touch your ass?" the boy says.
"Of course it can" his grandfather assures him.
The grandson replies, "then go fuck yourself."
Due to public interest I did a little research on the elusive, endangered brown starfish and this is what I found.
Courtesy of Google image search.
How to make a home-made swing: For this you will need a tree with a sturdy branch or other overhang suitable to suspend three hundred pounds from. You will also need a length of rope proportional to the height of the point that the swing will be suspended from. Also, a ladder will be required to be able to secure the rope to the branch.
Hold the rope in your left hand with the end of it in your right. Now, make a loop hanging down and next to it another going up, but leave about a foot of rope between the end of this loop and the end of the rope. Wrap the remaining foot of rope around the point where the two loops meet and then through the loop pointing up. Keep the top loop tight against the rest of the rope and begin wrapping the end around both. Working upward, each wrap around should be parallel to the previous one. When there is only a couple of inches left on the end push it through the top loop and pull it tight.
Now that you have a sturdy loop throw it over the branch so that the knot is hanging about eight feet off the ground. You don't want to touch the ground while you are swinging. Go up the ladder and loop the rope once again around the branch then push the end of the rope down between the branch and the section of rope separating the two loops. Cross the end over the rope of the last loop and around the branch again. Then, once again push it down between the branch and the section between this loop and the last one. Pull the rope tight.
After you have completed these simple steps pull the loop up and slide it over your head. Snug the loop around your neck and then swing from the top of the ladder. You'll be swinging from the tree all afternoon. It's fun for the whole family.
It is that simple. It truly fucking is.
It begins with a chill going up your spine, a shiver, growing into an earth shattering roar. It consumes everything, leaving only cold and darkness in its wake. You can feel the hunger growing as it approaches. Your senses stripped away, leaving only fear and impotence. Its proximity causes pain so excruciating that it fills your thoughts, blocking out even the instinct for escape. All hope is extinguished in its grasp. The All-Devourer, ever hungry and unstoppable, nothing avoids its mandibles.
I wonder what to have for lunch.
I just saw this movie. It was horrible. I'll never get back the time I wasted on it. If you haven't seen it yet, don't.
Many of you may have heard this before because it is my favorite, but for those who haven't, enjoy.
A man with no arms or legs is lying on the beach and there are three women playing volleyball next to him(the teams were not even). As the sun becomes low on the horizon the women pack up their stuff and begin to head back to their van. When the first woman walks past the man she notices him and stops. "You poor man. Have you ever been hugged?" she asks.
"No, I have not." he replies as he shakes his head sadly.
The woman hugs him and then loads their cooler into the van. The next woman is walking by and she also cannot help but notice the amputee so she looks at him with pity in her eyes. "Have you ever been kissed?" she asks him, and winks.
"No, I have not." he says, his face starting to brighten.
The second woman leans down and kisses him long and hard, then with the volleyball in her hand, she hops into the van. Finally the last woman is walking by after packing up the net and as she passes him she stops and turns back. With an alluring grin on her face she asks him, "Have you ever been fucked?"
She then starts up the van and looks back, waiting for his answer. A huge grin spreads across his face and he quickly blurts out, "No, I have not."
She winks at him and says, "Well, you're about to, the tide is coming in."
And then they drive away.
Another green day has come and gone. It can easily be summed up by my picture, but with green beer instead of a golden lager. As far as I know I have no link to any Irish roots, but I'll celebrate them anyway for inventing whisky. I went out with some great people and met some great people. There was food, drinking and merry-making of all kinds. The Celtic music was kept to a minimum for which I am grateful. The night ended a little earlier than I had hoped, which is probably partly due to the cash machines going down around midnight(apparently across Canada). Also, one of my friends that is normally a total bitch was actually pleasant for half of the night. To quote an old adage, will wonders never cease?
Many superstitious people believe that using a camera to take someone's picture steals their soul. This is one hundred percent accurate. You can tell this from the red-eye effect. When a picture of someone turns out with red eyes and you know that person does not actually have red eyes, this is a result of their soul already having been stolen. Nothing is left in them but a hollow shell permeated by evil.
"What can be done about this?" you ask.
It's simple, you must collect the souls of others. Take pictures of everyone you can and if they turn up without red-eye you can use these souls to barter for your own. Keep them safe for you may need them sooner and more often than you think. Also watch for the red-eyed demons because they will try to steal your soul as theirs was taken and use them like some Yu-Gi-Oh trading cards. Put fire to them at the earliest possible time and do not let them speak. Pure evil they are, so watch your back and close your eyes every time you see a flash.
The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me
And there you are,
sitting on your ass,
at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice
It's been a while since I posted on this blog. The router mentioned previously caused more trouble than I had anticipated, but I've now replaced it and put it to rest. The weather has been quite warm recently and in the spirit of things heating up I implore you to think about one person that you really hate. Don't just concentrate on your hatred though, contemplate the reason that you hate them. Now think about spring and what new activities you're going to do now that the snow is gone. Take a mental vacation to a fantasy world built by your imagination. Spring is here and you're doing all of your favorite things. There are daisies popping out of the ground. Now imagine the person you hate is pushing them up. Check your wallet. While you were daydreaming I took all of your money and that person has now become me. Have a nice year chump!
I'm getting sick of calling people from India, East Indians. As far as I know, no such place exists that is called East India. Now that we've finally stopped calling Natives Indians I think we can start calling Indians Indians. Although I'm sure this will confuse many people at first, we should move on from being politically correct to just being correct. Most likely this all started with that moron Christoforo Columbus. So, he was sailing to India and he found North America instead. What I can't figure out is whether this is because Columbus insisted that he had found India and nobody was willing to risk slavery to speak against him or if it's because they all thought he was an idiot and used the terms Indians and East Indians to slight him. Either way I think we can all agree that this is Columbus's fault and if he weren't dead already I'd punch him in the face.
Recently I was assisting a customer in finding the help that they need. Unfortunately, I could not offer the kind of professional help that they required. I offered to Transfer said customer to another department where they could be better assisted. The customer did not respond to this offer so I repeated it. When they still did not respond I asked them if they could hear me. They finally responded that I was smart. Now, I am not used to this type of compliment so the only suitable response I could come up with was, "thank you."
The customer repeated this compliment and I while my ego was inflating quickly I still couldn't come up with a more appropriate response, so I just repeated the previous acknowledgement. Then the customer said that they would tell everyone how smart I was. At this I was practically glowing with pride and so I replied, "thank you very much."
What a great day to help people, it gives me a warm feeling in my left ventricle.
In this world every person is unique. We all have our own skills and personalities. We each make mistakes and also excel in different fields. In order to make it a better place we all have to do our part. The problem is that some of us are more skilled than others and some people have shitty personalities. The ones with defective personalities I like to refer to as shit-heads. As you may imagine, I do not like them. They make more than their fair share of mistakes and the most obvious of these mistakes is not being stillborn. In conclusion, don't be a shit-head.
Today I took a day off from my busy schedule to celebrate a friend's birthday. We went to Earl's and had some food, drinks and fun. The price of fun there is pretty reasonable. Also, his mom was there, who I havn't seen since he was concieved. It was like a celebrity roast without the celebrity. We made fun of him and laughed till we couldn't breathe. Then I had to go to work so I gave him a present by handing him my bill on the way out. It's the gift I just keep giving.
I've given Meghan plenty of time now to add a link on her blog for me. And I've also posted subtle(blatant) reminders. Now is the time for action. It took me a while to think up suitable punishment for this oversight. The only thing I could think of that doesn't require me to find a place to put her cat is to stuff her in the freezer. Now Meghan is small, but even she won't fit into her small deep freeze as she is. So I think the best way is to snap her spine in half and fold her up like laundry and then stuff her in there. Every once in a while I can come by and chip off a chunk of her using a claw hammer, then microwave it and feed it to the cat. Eventually the cat will finish her off and I can claim that she fell in the bathtub or something and that the cat had to eat her to survive. Just a friendly reminder to ADD A LINK TO THIS SITE.
I could not post for several days due to problems with a rebel router. The uprising has been crushed and things continue on as usual. Thank you for your patience and understanding.
Sincerely,
your lord and master, Jack
Today I'd like to talk about something that is near and dear to me. Pricing. As the price of living goes up so does the price of everything else. When expenses like food and shelter increase, people demand a higher price as well. These days unless you have a lucrative job it's not feasible to provide necessities for another person or persons as well. Unless you can get a great bargain on essentials it's not economically viable to sustain a slave. Even if you purchase them from a third-world country the upkeep is just too great. Currently it is cheaper to rent your labor during the day and have them pay for their own food and shelter than it is to keep them in seclusion and feed them. If this trend continues all would-be slaves will have to provide for themselves, making their life much harder than it has to be. I say that we make these people free. Free so that everyone can afford to get several slaves and have them cannibalise each other for sustenance.
